How did I get here?

I am 19 years old, and I weigh 220 pounds. Now you're probably wondering how I got here. *Cue flashback to the start of movie* The first real memory I have of being self aware of my weight was 4th grade. We had just finished parent teacher conferences and I very distinctly remember my dad pulling me aside. He whispered into my ear and pointed a strong finger at a girl in the grade above me, "Do you want to look like her? I bet she doesn't have very many friends. I don't ever want you to look like that." Just a note to all parents, never, ever, EVER tell your child anything like this. I remember playing with this girl at recess and sharing a desk with her. I shit you not, she was the kindest girl I had ever met. I'm friends with her on Facebook now, and she is off doing some amazing things, and she is loved by so many. But, when I see her, I will always remember when my dad taught me that "fat" was the worst thing I could ever be. When I got to middle school, I was decently chunky, enough so that I got my fair share of bullying. However, in the process of trying to spare me the pain of being bullied, my dad became my worst bully yet. Middle school sucks in general. All the kids, myself included, are pretty much just little dickheads who think they're hot shit. They aren't. In 6th grade, my dad started a rewards program for me. He based it off of something similar to what my mom was doing for me at her house. At my mom's house, I would earn a penny for every 30 minutes of reading or a chore. The pennies went into a bag, and I could then trade them for tv time. At my dad's house, it was the same concept but it went for exercise, and depended on the effort I put in. Every night, we would run a mile around the track, and if it was more than 10 minutes, I earned nothing. I remember one night, I made myself throw up after 2 miles so that I could just go home. I didn't want to run anymore. He paid me extra pennies that night, because throwing up showed how hard I had pushed myself. I quickly figured out how to earn extra tv time. I know my dad's intentions were good. I know he wanted me to be healthy and he wanted me to fit in. And please don't get me wrong, I love my dad a lot and he has improved on himself tons since then. But, the more he pointed it out, the more I noticed. The more I noticed, the worse I felt. The worse I felt, the more I ate. And so I just kept getting bigger. In 8th grade I developed some major depression and anxiety issues, which led to self harming and more food. This just caused me to hate myself more. High school was full of boys who told me I was pretty, and I used their compliments to mask my hatred. But I became co-dependent on their compliments. I needed to be told I was pretty, and that life was worth living, otherwise it wasn't. But this isn't meant to be a pity party. I'm telling you this so you understand where I come from. So when I have a meltdown and blog that I ate 3 bags of Oreo's and will just have to try again, you'll understand why. I am 19 years old and I weigh 220 pounds. I have grown in some amazing ways. I love myself. I am incredibly funny and genuine. I am beautiful. All 220 pounds of me. But this is the start of a change. I am going to find healthier outlets for my emotions other than food. I am going to take care of my body in the hopes that I can come to love myself even more. So, this blog is truly just an outlet, with a chance that I may be heard. Welcome to my journey, where I will lose the weight I carry.